Cravings

Starting Weight: 202
Today's weight: 192.4
Total lost: 9.8 lbs

Almost 10 lbs - yay me! Even in light of a little more of a loss this week I'm kind of feeling somber tonight. The last couple of days have been challenging, particularly today. Lots of cravings and just "bored" eating. That kind of eating that I do as I'm walking through the kitchen and later don't even realize that I nibbled on the kids' leftover pizza until it was gone. To me this is a sign of not being emotionally present. I want to become a present, conscious eater, savoring every bite of food and feeling gratitude at the abundance and variety of food in this culture. So, working on that...

I notice I do this kind of eating more when I feel a dissatisfaction with how things are going in one aspect of life or another. This week was chemo week for Anna, and it's a time of very little personal time and space for me as she's dealing with not feeling good from the steroids (this is also why I started writing this post yesterday and now am finishing it today, Sunday.) I think this is my pattern, and the pattern for so many of us - rather than really feel what I feel in the moment, I stuff it down with food. It may even be a "healthy" food, but the point is if I shove something in, some emotion that is less than pleasant to deal with can't come out.

Not sure what these past couple of days have been about - cancer, money, body image issues, general impatience for that dream farm I long for...who knows. But, for me I'm trying to find the balance between honoring those emotions and desires for something else, while not wallowing in them, but also not saying "but we have so much" and "everything is OK". Those are both very true statements, but quickly dismissing dissatisfaction by only focusing on the positive and the blessings is doing a disservice to my true heart. I believe those longings and disappointments are just as important as being truly, deeply grateful for the abundance one has in her life. Just trying to find a healthy balance in exploring all of that.

So, I know this is not a super-positive, inspirational entry, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I did wake up this morning with a new resolve to put all of this in God's hands (or a higher power, or whatever you like to say. To me, God is a easy word and I think I've figured out what that means for me, after many years of only thinking of an old, bearded white man sitting on a cloud.) I know God loves me and wants me to be happy and live a full life, and only a divine presence can take away all my difficulties and challenges - most of which I create in my own mind, anyway. So, my strategy is to take it one day at a time and let go of my own sense of control and willpower and whatever other BS we've been taught to think about our own situations. God can handle it all and give me the next step by speaking to my heart. My only job is to open up and listen.

Be well and keep faith!

Love, Katie