Starting weight: 202
Today's weight: 194.4
Total lost: 7.6 (gained 2 lbs since last entry)
OK, here we go again. Had a bit of a setback this last week, but it's not turned out as awful as I expected when I stepped on the scale this morning. On Saturday I took Anna into the ER with a fever and cold-like symptoms, expecting to get our antibiotics and go home with a decent neutrophil count (the infection-fighting white blood cells). We had never been admitted for low counts and fever since her diagnosis week in May 2009, a fact that I'm now finding is quite rare. Long story, but her Absolute Neutrophil Count (ANC) was 100 when we got to the ER, so they admitted her and started two IV antibiotics, we ended up staying 4 days and I ate all the hospital food (which was actually really good and they had a huge gluten-free menu), but I ate everything I haven't eaten for a month and a half - starches, sugars, coffee, dairy, chocolate, you name it...other than gluten I ate it all, and in large quantities.
Something triggered a stress response in me, I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but I was interested to observe my own behavior - almost as if I were on the outside looking in. As annoying as it is to see my behavior and still not do anything to change it, I consider it a new, important step in my self-awareness. Of course it would have been ideal if I hadn't had that trigger with food in the first place - my goal is to change those patterns of responding to stress with food. But at least I could see what I was doing, for the most part. I was shocked at how easily I slipped back into the excuses, the idea that I am suffering right now so I "deserve" to have the pleasure this chocolate brings me, for example. What's up with that?? This whole experience was interesting - just reaffirmed the notion that I am totally powerless if left to my own devices, and I need to rely on and trust that God will give me the strength and power I need to make the desired changes in my life.
I better go, I'm thankful that Anna is doing better and we're home, I went shopping today and have surrounded myself with good, healthy, yummy choices. Looking forward to feeling more energy and better digestion again (those lattes and milk chocolate don't agree with my tummy!). Thanks for reading and keeping up! I'll update again soon, until then I'm going to just catch up on my "regular" life. Hoping for some weight loss next time!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Cravings
Starting Weight: 202
Today's weight: 192.4
Total lost: 9.8 lbs
Almost 10 lbs - yay me! Even in light of a little more of a loss this week I'm kind of feeling somber tonight. The last couple of days have been challenging, particularly today. Lots of cravings and just "bored" eating. That kind of eating that I do as I'm walking through the kitchen and later don't even realize that I nibbled on the kids' leftover pizza until it was gone. To me this is a sign of not being emotionally present. I want to become a present, conscious eater, savoring every bite of food and feeling gratitude at the abundance and variety of food in this culture. So, working on that...
I notice I do this kind of eating more when I feel a dissatisfaction with how things are going in one aspect of life or another. This week was chemo week for Anna, and it's a time of very little personal time and space for me as she's dealing with not feeling good from the steroids (this is also why I started writing this post yesterday and now am finishing it today, Sunday.) I think this is my pattern, and the pattern for so many of us - rather than really feel what I feel in the moment, I stuff it down with food. It may even be a "healthy" food, but the point is if I shove something in, some emotion that is less than pleasant to deal with can't come out.
Not sure what these past couple of days have been about - cancer, money, body image issues, general impatience for that dream farm I long for...who knows. But, for me I'm trying to find the balance between honoring those emotions and desires for something else, while not wallowing in them, but also not saying "but we have so much" and "everything is OK". Those are both very true statements, but quickly dismissing dissatisfaction by only focusing on the positive and the blessings is doing a disservice to my true heart. I believe those longings and disappointments are just as important as being truly, deeply grateful for the abundance one has in her life. Just trying to find a healthy balance in exploring all of that.
So, I know this is not a super-positive, inspirational entry, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I did wake up this morning with a new resolve to put all of this in God's hands (or a higher power, or whatever you like to say. To me, God is a easy word and I think I've figured out what that means for me, after many years of only thinking of an old, bearded white man sitting on a cloud.) I know God loves me and wants me to be happy and live a full life, and only a divine presence can take away all my difficulties and challenges - most of which I create in my own mind, anyway. So, my strategy is to take it one day at a time and let go of my own sense of control and willpower and whatever other BS we've been taught to think about our own situations. God can handle it all and give me the next step by speaking to my heart. My only job is to open up and listen.
Be well and keep faith!
Love, Katie
Today's weight: 192.4
Total lost: 9.8 lbs
Almost 10 lbs - yay me! Even in light of a little more of a loss this week I'm kind of feeling somber tonight. The last couple of days have been challenging, particularly today. Lots of cravings and just "bored" eating. That kind of eating that I do as I'm walking through the kitchen and later don't even realize that I nibbled on the kids' leftover pizza until it was gone. To me this is a sign of not being emotionally present. I want to become a present, conscious eater, savoring every bite of food and feeling gratitude at the abundance and variety of food in this culture. So, working on that...
I notice I do this kind of eating more when I feel a dissatisfaction with how things are going in one aspect of life or another. This week was chemo week for Anna, and it's a time of very little personal time and space for me as she's dealing with not feeling good from the steroids (this is also why I started writing this post yesterday and now am finishing it today, Sunday.) I think this is my pattern, and the pattern for so many of us - rather than really feel what I feel in the moment, I stuff it down with food. It may even be a "healthy" food, but the point is if I shove something in, some emotion that is less than pleasant to deal with can't come out.
Not sure what these past couple of days have been about - cancer, money, body image issues, general impatience for that dream farm I long for...who knows. But, for me I'm trying to find the balance between honoring those emotions and desires for something else, while not wallowing in them, but also not saying "but we have so much" and "everything is OK". Those are both very true statements, but quickly dismissing dissatisfaction by only focusing on the positive and the blessings is doing a disservice to my true heart. I believe those longings and disappointments are just as important as being truly, deeply grateful for the abundance one has in her life. Just trying to find a healthy balance in exploring all of that.
So, I know this is not a super-positive, inspirational entry, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I did wake up this morning with a new resolve to put all of this in God's hands (or a higher power, or whatever you like to say. To me, God is a easy word and I think I've figured out what that means for me, after many years of only thinking of an old, bearded white man sitting on a cloud.) I know God loves me and wants me to be happy and live a full life, and only a divine presence can take away all my difficulties and challenges - most of which I create in my own mind, anyway. So, my strategy is to take it one day at a time and let go of my own sense of control and willpower and whatever other BS we've been taught to think about our own situations. God can handle it all and give me the next step by speaking to my heart. My only job is to open up and listen.
Be well and keep faith!
Love, Katie
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