Starting weight: 202
Today's weight: 194.4
Total lost: 7.6 (gained 2 lbs since last entry)
OK, here we go again. Had a bit of a setback this last week, but it's not turned out as awful as I expected when I stepped on the scale this morning. On Saturday I took Anna into the ER with a fever and cold-like symptoms, expecting to get our antibiotics and go home with a decent neutrophil count (the infection-fighting white blood cells). We had never been admitted for low counts and fever since her diagnosis week in May 2009, a fact that I'm now finding is quite rare. Long story, but her Absolute Neutrophil Count (ANC) was 100 when we got to the ER, so they admitted her and started two IV antibiotics, we ended up staying 4 days and I ate all the hospital food (which was actually really good and they had a huge gluten-free menu), but I ate everything I haven't eaten for a month and a half - starches, sugars, coffee, dairy, chocolate, you name it...other than gluten I ate it all, and in large quantities.
Something triggered a stress response in me, I know it's understandable under the circumstances, but I was interested to observe my own behavior - almost as if I were on the outside looking in. As annoying as it is to see my behavior and still not do anything to change it, I consider it a new, important step in my self-awareness. Of course it would have been ideal if I hadn't had that trigger with food in the first place - my goal is to change those patterns of responding to stress with food. But at least I could see what I was doing, for the most part. I was shocked at how easily I slipped back into the excuses, the idea that I am suffering right now so I "deserve" to have the pleasure this chocolate brings me, for example. What's up with that?? This whole experience was interesting - just reaffirmed the notion that I am totally powerless if left to my own devices, and I need to rely on and trust that God will give me the strength and power I need to make the desired changes in my life.
I better go, I'm thankful that Anna is doing better and we're home, I went shopping today and have surrounded myself with good, healthy, yummy choices. Looking forward to feeling more energy and better digestion again (those lattes and milk chocolate don't agree with my tummy!). Thanks for reading and keeping up! I'll update again soon, until then I'm going to just catch up on my "regular" life. Hoping for some weight loss next time!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Cravings
Starting Weight: 202
Today's weight: 192.4
Total lost: 9.8 lbs
Almost 10 lbs - yay me! Even in light of a little more of a loss this week I'm kind of feeling somber tonight. The last couple of days have been challenging, particularly today. Lots of cravings and just "bored" eating. That kind of eating that I do as I'm walking through the kitchen and later don't even realize that I nibbled on the kids' leftover pizza until it was gone. To me this is a sign of not being emotionally present. I want to become a present, conscious eater, savoring every bite of food and feeling gratitude at the abundance and variety of food in this culture. So, working on that...
I notice I do this kind of eating more when I feel a dissatisfaction with how things are going in one aspect of life or another. This week was chemo week for Anna, and it's a time of very little personal time and space for me as she's dealing with not feeling good from the steroids (this is also why I started writing this post yesterday and now am finishing it today, Sunday.) I think this is my pattern, and the pattern for so many of us - rather than really feel what I feel in the moment, I stuff it down with food. It may even be a "healthy" food, but the point is if I shove something in, some emotion that is less than pleasant to deal with can't come out.
Not sure what these past couple of days have been about - cancer, money, body image issues, general impatience for that dream farm I long for...who knows. But, for me I'm trying to find the balance between honoring those emotions and desires for something else, while not wallowing in them, but also not saying "but we have so much" and "everything is OK". Those are both very true statements, but quickly dismissing dissatisfaction by only focusing on the positive and the blessings is doing a disservice to my true heart. I believe those longings and disappointments are just as important as being truly, deeply grateful for the abundance one has in her life. Just trying to find a healthy balance in exploring all of that.
So, I know this is not a super-positive, inspirational entry, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I did wake up this morning with a new resolve to put all of this in God's hands (or a higher power, or whatever you like to say. To me, God is a easy word and I think I've figured out what that means for me, after many years of only thinking of an old, bearded white man sitting on a cloud.) I know God loves me and wants me to be happy and live a full life, and only a divine presence can take away all my difficulties and challenges - most of which I create in my own mind, anyway. So, my strategy is to take it one day at a time and let go of my own sense of control and willpower and whatever other BS we've been taught to think about our own situations. God can handle it all and give me the next step by speaking to my heart. My only job is to open up and listen.
Be well and keep faith!
Love, Katie
Today's weight: 192.4
Total lost: 9.8 lbs
Almost 10 lbs - yay me! Even in light of a little more of a loss this week I'm kind of feeling somber tonight. The last couple of days have been challenging, particularly today. Lots of cravings and just "bored" eating. That kind of eating that I do as I'm walking through the kitchen and later don't even realize that I nibbled on the kids' leftover pizza until it was gone. To me this is a sign of not being emotionally present. I want to become a present, conscious eater, savoring every bite of food and feeling gratitude at the abundance and variety of food in this culture. So, working on that...
I notice I do this kind of eating more when I feel a dissatisfaction with how things are going in one aspect of life or another. This week was chemo week for Anna, and it's a time of very little personal time and space for me as she's dealing with not feeling good from the steroids (this is also why I started writing this post yesterday and now am finishing it today, Sunday.) I think this is my pattern, and the pattern for so many of us - rather than really feel what I feel in the moment, I stuff it down with food. It may even be a "healthy" food, but the point is if I shove something in, some emotion that is less than pleasant to deal with can't come out.
Not sure what these past couple of days have been about - cancer, money, body image issues, general impatience for that dream farm I long for...who knows. But, for me I'm trying to find the balance between honoring those emotions and desires for something else, while not wallowing in them, but also not saying "but we have so much" and "everything is OK". Those are both very true statements, but quickly dismissing dissatisfaction by only focusing on the positive and the blessings is doing a disservice to my true heart. I believe those longings and disappointments are just as important as being truly, deeply grateful for the abundance one has in her life. Just trying to find a healthy balance in exploring all of that.
So, I know this is not a super-positive, inspirational entry, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I did wake up this morning with a new resolve to put all of this in God's hands (or a higher power, or whatever you like to say. To me, God is a easy word and I think I've figured out what that means for me, after many years of only thinking of an old, bearded white man sitting on a cloud.) I know God loves me and wants me to be happy and live a full life, and only a divine presence can take away all my difficulties and challenges - most of which I create in my own mind, anyway. So, my strategy is to take it one day at a time and let go of my own sense of control and willpower and whatever other BS we've been taught to think about our own situations. God can handle it all and give me the next step by speaking to my heart. My only job is to open up and listen.
Be well and keep faith!
Love, Katie
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Here goes!
Starting weight: 202 lbs.
Today's weight: 194.7 lbs.
Total lost: 7.3 lbs.
So, here it is for the world to see - how much I weigh. Big deal. The older I get the less I care about sharing those kinds of details with people. In Mexico women talk freely about their weight, but if someone shares her age with you it's like you've been welcomed into her world as an intimate friend - kind of the opposite from how most women are in the US. I guess I'm a combination of the two by now - I don't really care what people know at this point - I'm 40 years old (soon to be 41) and now under 200 lbs! Yay me! I actually weighed less a couple of days ago, but I think I'm getting close to that bloated time of the month. Anyway, this experience is going to be about honesty with myself and others, not doing anything perfectly but hopefully at least with integrity. Anyone reading this has full authority (and maybe a responsibility) to call me on it when I am denying some true feelings or maybe glossing over a habit because I don't want to look at it. If I'm going to lose 47 lbs. by July 31st, I'm going to need lots of help and support, so for those who are willing to root me on, I am deeply grateful!
I'm not sure what this blog will look like - I thought of talking lots about food and maybe the emotional process of changing my relationship with food, but this is also inspired by our daughter's journey with cancer so I will probably ramble about that along the way as well. The beauty of a blog is if you're sick of me talking you can just shut me up with one click. But I'd appreciate any comments you wish to make - brutally honest comments, even (there is a way to be compassionate while being brutally honest, right?). I don't know why this journey for me seems worthy of an entire blog, and why I'd think so highly of myself to imagine that lots of people will be reading, but maybe it's more for me to journal and verbalize my thoughts, and if somehow something here benefits or inspires someone else, that's great! I just know that there's something in me wanting to write about it....
So, here's the scoop: I know I have abused sugar in the worst way for many years, resulting in blood sugar issues, insulin resistance, probably still a candida overgrowth in my gut, not to mention the extra 50 lbs (every time I carry a bag of chicken feed or pick up Anna I have a stark realization that this is why my body gets tired - my muscles and bones and heart are dealing with all that extra weight all the time). In any case, I want to take care of these issues before they turn into bigger ones like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or God knows what else! I've been noticing how I have fed my children over the last 7 years and how different that is from how I feed my own body. It's time I give the same care to myself that I give to them.
Since December 27, I've been cutting out any sugars and starches (even limiting starchy veggies like carrots), nuts (they can be inflammatory to the gut), dairy, grains, soy (very inflammatory) and caffeine. Basically this leaves me with fresh, fibrous vegetables, low glycemic fruits like apples and berries, healthy meats and "good" fat like coconut, avocado and olives. A word about fat: I believe in eating lots of it - our brains need fat for many things including hormone regulation, contrary to the mainstream idea of "low fat'. Something you should know about me is that I'm generally suspicious of anything the government promotes as truth....but that's another blog. Do your own research about nutrition and find out what feels true for you. I'm not telling you all to change your ways, just stating what I've found works for me. This is my plan, although I'm hoping to add in some fermented raw goat milk products like yogurt and kefir and I have been slowly adding in some nuts. So far, this first month I've felt an amazing difference in my energy level and clarity of thought. I also notice I don't get panicky about getting hungry like I used to, my blood sugar seems to be a little more even throughout the day.
My favorite meals tend to be a big salad with chunks of avocado and some sort of meat (I love the Applegate organic hot dogs - there's not much in them but meat and spices), slathered with some sort of homemade dressing, usually made of olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar with garlic and spices. Or sometimes just a bunch of kale and cabbage sauteed with some meat and a few shots of virgin coconut oil on a spoon before eating to add some beneficial fat. My favorite treat these days is frozen blueberries with shredded coconut and coconut milk with stevia mixed in. Yum. I realize that I almost crave this food now over something sweet like chocolate - I think when you take out the crap your body tells you what it needs.
Exercise is the hole in my plan so far. I love exercise, particularly swimming laps and walking, but somehow I haven't made the time lately. Anna has good days and not-so-good days, and in general there's a general feeling of closeness she seems to need from me right now. It's been hard to balance that "oh, she can't live without me" martyr syndrome that I think got passed to me from my grandmother (God rest her soul), and feeling resentful that I have no time for myself. I sometimes get stuck in a "woe is me" pity party, which can get really slippery. I have a strong desire to explore all my feelings and sadness, disappointment, maybe even anger at having a child with cancer - but I have to keep myself in check with the self-pity sometimes. So, having said that, I am trying to take more time to exercise - sometimes when I work interpreting for a medical appointment and I have a 30-minute break before the next appointment, I put on my walking shoes and go move my body. At some point I'd like to do a more organized exercise program, but for now just slipping in even 10 minutes of brisk walking while Anna plays outside feels good. Baby steps.
So, some books I'm reading to help me are Primal Body Primal Mind by Nora Gedgaudas, Eat Fat, Lose Fat by Sally Fallon (thank you for my own personal copy, Darcy!), Dr. K's Thyroid Book (thank you, Elaine!) and of course my favorite reference/cookbooks are Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon and Garden of Eating by Rachel Albert-Matesz. I'm a big fan of public libraries, so check your local one for these. Although I don't intend to become a "100% raw foodist" I do want to learn to make some crackers and raw treats, so will be looking for some good raw books, too - I know Gabriel Cousens has some great ones.
So, thanks for reading, I don't think every entry will be this long but with me you just never know. I hope that, while you may have your own challenge or change you wish to make, we can know that each of us is thinking of the other. I'll report back in a couple days...until then treat yourself well!
Love, Katie
Today's weight: 194.7 lbs.
Total lost: 7.3 lbs.
So, here it is for the world to see - how much I weigh. Big deal. The older I get the less I care about sharing those kinds of details with people. In Mexico women talk freely about their weight, but if someone shares her age with you it's like you've been welcomed into her world as an intimate friend - kind of the opposite from how most women are in the US. I guess I'm a combination of the two by now - I don't really care what people know at this point - I'm 40 years old (soon to be 41) and now under 200 lbs! Yay me! I actually weighed less a couple of days ago, but I think I'm getting close to that bloated time of the month. Anyway, this experience is going to be about honesty with myself and others, not doing anything perfectly but hopefully at least with integrity. Anyone reading this has full authority (and maybe a responsibility) to call me on it when I am denying some true feelings or maybe glossing over a habit because I don't want to look at it. If I'm going to lose 47 lbs. by July 31st, I'm going to need lots of help and support, so for those who are willing to root me on, I am deeply grateful!
I'm not sure what this blog will look like - I thought of talking lots about food and maybe the emotional process of changing my relationship with food, but this is also inspired by our daughter's journey with cancer so I will probably ramble about that along the way as well. The beauty of a blog is if you're sick of me talking you can just shut me up with one click. But I'd appreciate any comments you wish to make - brutally honest comments, even (there is a way to be compassionate while being brutally honest, right?). I don't know why this journey for me seems worthy of an entire blog, and why I'd think so highly of myself to imagine that lots of people will be reading, but maybe it's more for me to journal and verbalize my thoughts, and if somehow something here benefits or inspires someone else, that's great! I just know that there's something in me wanting to write about it....
So, here's the scoop: I know I have abused sugar in the worst way for many years, resulting in blood sugar issues, insulin resistance, probably still a candida overgrowth in my gut, not to mention the extra 50 lbs (every time I carry a bag of chicken feed or pick up Anna I have a stark realization that this is why my body gets tired - my muscles and bones and heart are dealing with all that extra weight all the time). In any case, I want to take care of these issues before they turn into bigger ones like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or God knows what else! I've been noticing how I have fed my children over the last 7 years and how different that is from how I feed my own body. It's time I give the same care to myself that I give to them.
Since December 27, I've been cutting out any sugars and starches (even limiting starchy veggies like carrots), nuts (they can be inflammatory to the gut), dairy, grains, soy (very inflammatory) and caffeine. Basically this leaves me with fresh, fibrous vegetables, low glycemic fruits like apples and berries, healthy meats and "good" fat like coconut, avocado and olives. A word about fat: I believe in eating lots of it - our brains need fat for many things including hormone regulation, contrary to the mainstream idea of "low fat'. Something you should know about me is that I'm generally suspicious of anything the government promotes as truth....but that's another blog. Do your own research about nutrition and find out what feels true for you. I'm not telling you all to change your ways, just stating what I've found works for me. This is my plan, although I'm hoping to add in some fermented raw goat milk products like yogurt and kefir and I have been slowly adding in some nuts. So far, this first month I've felt an amazing difference in my energy level and clarity of thought. I also notice I don't get panicky about getting hungry like I used to, my blood sugar seems to be a little more even throughout the day.
My favorite meals tend to be a big salad with chunks of avocado and some sort of meat (I love the Applegate organic hot dogs - there's not much in them but meat and spices), slathered with some sort of homemade dressing, usually made of olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar with garlic and spices. Or sometimes just a bunch of kale and cabbage sauteed with some meat and a few shots of virgin coconut oil on a spoon before eating to add some beneficial fat. My favorite treat these days is frozen blueberries with shredded coconut and coconut milk with stevia mixed in. Yum. I realize that I almost crave this food now over something sweet like chocolate - I think when you take out the crap your body tells you what it needs.
Exercise is the hole in my plan so far. I love exercise, particularly swimming laps and walking, but somehow I haven't made the time lately. Anna has good days and not-so-good days, and in general there's a general feeling of closeness she seems to need from me right now. It's been hard to balance that "oh, she can't live without me" martyr syndrome that I think got passed to me from my grandmother (God rest her soul), and feeling resentful that I have no time for myself. I sometimes get stuck in a "woe is me" pity party, which can get really slippery. I have a strong desire to explore all my feelings and sadness, disappointment, maybe even anger at having a child with cancer - but I have to keep myself in check with the self-pity sometimes. So, having said that, I am trying to take more time to exercise - sometimes when I work interpreting for a medical appointment and I have a 30-minute break before the next appointment, I put on my walking shoes and go move my body. At some point I'd like to do a more organized exercise program, but for now just slipping in even 10 minutes of brisk walking while Anna plays outside feels good. Baby steps.
So, some books I'm reading to help me are Primal Body Primal Mind by Nora Gedgaudas, Eat Fat, Lose Fat by Sally Fallon (thank you for my own personal copy, Darcy!), Dr. K's Thyroid Book (thank you, Elaine!) and of course my favorite reference/cookbooks are Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon and Garden of Eating by Rachel Albert-Matesz. I'm a big fan of public libraries, so check your local one for these. Although I don't intend to become a "100% raw foodist" I do want to learn to make some crackers and raw treats, so will be looking for some good raw books, too - I know Gabriel Cousens has some great ones.
So, thanks for reading, I don't think every entry will be this long but with me you just never know. I hope that, while you may have your own challenge or change you wish to make, we can know that each of us is thinking of the other. I'll report back in a couple days...until then treat yourself well!
Love, Katie
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